Off we go to the maternity ward
I'm in a room at the end of a hallway. I have no roommates. The Dr came in to talk about what the plan was. I was still bleeding. I was there for maybe 45 minutes. I bleed a lot more. I was sent to SICU.
The room was huge with a bed and a big machine all around it. It was very Sci-Fi. I was bleeding more. They Still thought it was my uterus. A team of people came in, multiple Dr;s and Nurses and other people.
I asked Jason to leave. I didn't want him to see me and whatever was about to happen next. If I died.... I just couldn't let him see it.
A random nurse came in, I forget now why, and asked what I had. I was confused and in disbelief until my nurse whispered "nuh-uh" I just remember muttering, "What?"
They attempted Endometrial ablation. Multiple times, Too many times, and It was unsuccessful. It was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life, worse then childbirth. I wanted to die.
I was given more suppositories.
If it wasn't my Uterus then what the fuck was it?
Dr. Clark came in and after some tests It was determined that it was Disseminated Intravascular Coagulopathy (DIC). " the failure of the clotting mechanism at the site of bleeding"
I was bleeding and it wasn't clotting.
I WAS BLEEDING TO DEATH.
Jason was back. He never left my side after that.
I'm not sure what came next. There were blood transfusions, platelet transfusions, more suppositories, Iron, I can't remember it all.
I was still bleeding. To the point it was hard to keep up. The pads were sliding around and it just felt so gross. Jason helped out so much. He took care of Me.
He wiped blood off my ass. That is True love.
February 20, 2013
I sent a message to a friend Rana who worked at Albany Med to let her know we were there and wondered if she was in a department near by. She Used to work in SICU I guess. So, she reached out to her friends that still worked there and stopped by the following day. She has the best smile and is so so sweet.
Jason slept on the couch in the same room. It couldn't have been comfortable. He was still in jeans and shoes.
Sometime that night The bleeding slowed down. Everyone seemed to breathe a little better. I was starting to feel better so, I forced jason to leave, go home, shower and take a nap if possible.
One of my besties, Lorraine brought me red velvet cupcakes and it forced me to put some makeup on. I really didn't want any visitors. I refused everyone else, including my mother, especially my mother. I didn't want her to see me like this either. She knew, She came anyway.
February 21, 2013
sometime that night I finally stopped bleeding and was sent back to the maternity ward. The bubbly little girl who assisted the transfer greeted me with a;
"What did you have?!!!"
The other nurse whispered a quick and angry "ssh"
Back in the Maternity ward I was given a special "stop check at the nurses station before coming into this room" door sign.
I was counselled by another Dr who explained the discharge process and how I was to be Grief Counselled prior to leaving.
I requested anti-depressants.
Fuck you. Don't judge me. I needed a patch. I wanted to be numb. and I wanted to start working on it immediately. two weeks to kick in. Great. Perfect.
I called Chris. HE was crying. That was most unexpected. like when he comforted our friend Alexsa at his own mother's wake.
"and the winner for playing the role of Alexsa goes to.." We were both laughing hysterically. Because that's what we Irish do. we joke to make light of awful situations, and you know what? It helps every time. The worse the jokes are. (Like how he tells me I killed his mom just because he slept over my house the night before she died) The more the shock kills the pain.
February 22, 2013
I was discharged, but Not before visiting with that grief exiting counselor lady. She handed me paper work. I folded it, I have yet to look at it 14 months later, so I actually threw it away.
I did mention to her that what bothered me most was being given a Fetal death Certificate and made it an almost formal complaint. She had no idea and was flabbergasted. (best word ever, right?) She was going to talk to the appropriate channels and get that changed.
I wonder if they did. I really hope they did.
When researching images for the Fetal death certificate, I realised I can have my very own copy of it for $30, and that in New York, only the mother can get one. I may order one. I still don't know. It's kind of macabre, but I Can put it with my skull displays in a frame. I'm not into the cliche angel baby's or feet and wing tattoos. That to me seems more appropriate. I don't 'know why.
I'm Finally being Discharged
And I feel surprisingly, completely and totally back from the dead.
I was wheeled out to the car to meet Jason by a nurse, I think she was Ukranian, or Russian. She was tough, and beautiful, and smart and had been there for 20 years. TWENTY YEARS. I was completely amazed. the longest I ever held a job was Three years and it felt like a death sentence.
Jason drove home and I don't remember saying a thing the entire way. We just drove straight home. It was actually sunny and kind of beautiful outside. It was cold but it didn't bother me that day like it normally would.
The air smelled cleaner. The sun shined brighter. I was happy to be alive.
my mother was relieved to hear I Was home. Jack was wearing her out and she needed a break. He and Kaliegh came home that night. It was so good to have them back. He slept in our bed and it was the best nights sleep I had in over a week.
February 23, 2013
I woke up and the pain of losing my baby was back.
We still didn't know where we were moving, less have the house packed up for a March 1 exit, and it was the least of our worries. I was supposed to pack up the house that week before, but clearly that plan was derailed.
WE got a call from the realtor of that house we wanted saying it was back on the market if we still wanted it. Fuck yes,
February 24, 2013
10 am. Brought a check, signed a lease and started moving in that day. We packed as we moved.
We could not have moved without Jason's Sister Brenda and Brandon, and my parents. It simply would not have been possible. Aside from the fact that I Was weak as a broken bird, it was February in upstate, NY and that means 20 degrees below zero with the wind chill.
The moving process was pretty standard. We realised how much shit we accumulated and were starting to give stuff away so we didn't have to move it.
Then Jason's truck died. I think it was maybe Tuesday. The fuel pump went. and we lost another two full days. Really? no, seriously, Really? Is this real life? Because I want out. I'm done, I just can't.
20 degrees below zero and he's got to change the fuel pump on his truck in an unheated garage, alone.
No seriously, whoever you are, wherever you are, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!
FEBRUARY 28, 2013
One full week after my surgery, We were completely moved out of the old house and into the new one. Jason was sad. He loved that house. It was a log cabin. It was dark, all dark wood, isolating and depressing.. I hated it. I hated it even more now. I just wanted to breathe new life. I was sad for him, I really was. I still am, I just wasn't happy there.
MARCH 1, 2013
we moved into a 1860 Victorian. It was beautiful and bright and sunny and I loved waking up in it. I took a few months off work and went through the motions of grieving. I was grieving a number of things. The miscarriage, the chain of events, the hormones, the rashes on my face, the hair loss, THE move and all the things in my life I did wrong and weren't right.
I spent a majority of my time unpacking, setting up, taking care of Jack.
Another, two more catastrophes happened.
I was awoken to a Police Man at my door to notify me that A very close family member had attempted suicide. They tried to call my phone but my ringer was off and didn't hear it. I spent a few days in the hospital with them they were then sent to another hospital an hour and a half north of our new house. They were there for almost a month. I was driving back and forth nearly every day, dropping Jack off to my mom first, then heading up. 4 hours driving total every day.
Two weeks later the owner of the house we were leasing the house from freaked out about the roof and attempted to force us to allow the house to be listed for sale, against our lease, I had to get lawyers involved.
The hits just kept coming and coming.
I became an introvert longer then my normal winter hibernation period for the better part of a year. I lost all interest in sex. I stopped taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. That didn't help. I still had no interest in sex, only now i was more anxious.
Jack slept either in our bed or his bed in our room until just a few months ago. FUCK YOU, don't judge me.
I had to know he was still breathing or I couldn't sleep.
My relationship with Jason was really being tested, and I was failing miserably.
15 months Later...
Friday May 29, 2015
We still have no official cause of death. Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes I am distracted by a busy toddler and teenage daughter.
I haven't really had any "therapy", Meaning I haven't set up appointments to sit in a room with a "professional" to talk about anything and I am ok with that. I paint. That is therapy for me. I write, that is therapy for me. Sometimes talking about it and not keeping it in is therapy for me.
Writing this article to share with all of you until 5 am this morning has been the most therapeutic for me.
I started working back out in the fashion and production world, working in socially centered events within the last 6 months. I lost a total of 20lbs and I finally feel 100%. Well except my hair, but that's an entirely different post and why I cut my hair so short.
I opened up a new makeup studio, created an amazing partnership with the owner of the store, Fifi's, I rent my studio space from. It's been a wonderful partnership and friendship and I am truly blessed. I know it won't be forever. As in, I won't be there until I retire. But it's perfect for at least the next few years, until she retires, the store closes, or my arms turn into jelly and I can no longer do the amount of makeup applications and education required to keep the business going.
at 38 I still didn't really know what the path I'm on is going toward, I don't know what I am supposed to do or supposed to be. I question my career path on a daily basis. I go back and forth between wanting to restore furniture and home decor to giving up all hope, becoming fully medicated and becoming another tortured artist working for the state.
Jack is almost 3, Kaliegh just turned 16 and I am teaching both of them to drive. Kaliegh my car, and Jack his crazy power wheels jeep thing. I should have stayed on the meds.
But, the good thing is I'm back. I'm really, really back. I am back. I am no longer a zombie trapped inside my own head. I am alive and loving MY life. I have a new appreciation for it. Music sounds better, which I didn't even think was possible. I even started having an appetite for sex. Jason is much happier. Our relationship is much better. I am happier.
Thank you to all who stood by and waited for me to come around. Thank you to all who lightly tiptoed into conversation around the subject and those who dove right in and asked me about it. I am grateful for all of you.
I still don't know where I am going but I am on my way.